Shit Happens (Keeping Army Camps Holy) aka No Shit

Deuteronomy 23:9 tells what God expects to be done in Army Camps:

When the host goeth forth against thine enemies, then keep thee from every wicked thing.

Have our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan been keeping themselves from every wicked thing? Is war itself not a wicked thing? Are our politicians who visit our Army camps not wicked things? What wicked things has God ordained our soldiers to keep themselves from? How can they keep from every wicked thing?

Deuteronomy 23:12 says:

Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad:

So what the hell does this mean? What is meant by "whither thou shalt go forth abroad?" Couldn't God have been a little more clear here? Is He trying to say, if you need to take a dump, don't do it in the camp? Is defecation the wicked thing that soldiers must keep from? Are military toilets wicked? Should they be shunned? Is crap only wicked when it's in the camp? What if the Army camp is within a city? Can the soldiers storm the civilian houses to use their toilets? Should we have port-o-potties set out outside the fences?

Deuteronomy 23:13 tells us:

And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee.

Why can't the soldiers use toilets? What the hell is a paddle upon a weapon? Is this something to spank children with or to propel a canoe? What kind of weapons did they use back in Deuteronomy's day? Are our soldiers to use this paddle on their weapon to dig therewith? Is this God's way of saying "shovel?" Can they use their bayonets in an emergency?

How deep must they dig therewith? What is to be done if a soldier digs therewith and comes upon that which has cometh from another soldier? Can he deposit that which cometh from him on top of that which has already cometh from another? Or must he shit where no man hath shit before? Should the soldiers mark the spots where they have dug therewith and covered that which cometh from them? Can more than one soldier use the same hole at the same time for that which cometh from them? What must the soldiers do if they're under attack and cannot leave the camp to dig therewith? Must they hold it? Are special provisions made for tose with the runs? Should they be banished or stoned? If one has an accident and that which cometh comes where it should cometh not, should the others smite him?

Deuteronomy 23:14 explains why this is important:

For the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.


Why is God walking in the midst of our Army camps? Will He be in uniform? Should we give Him a 21-gun salute? Will He offer to take command? Why can He not just smite our enemies for us instead of worrying about where we crap? Is feces the only unclean thing God's worried about seeing? Is He squeamish? Will He look in the toilets? Will He do the white glove test?

What happens if God walks in the midst of my camp and the camp of my enemy too? Will He choose the cleaner of the two? What if they're both clean? Will He wait until somebody shits on the ground to choose a winner? Should I try to scare the shit out of my enemies to secure a divine victory?

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

It appears that God is really obsessed with cleanliness. In the Book of Leviticus He calls a meeting with Moses and Aaron and just goes on and on about it. I really give credit to poor old Leviticus for writing it all down. Anyway, in Chapter 15 God goes into this great spiel about bodily discharges. Apparently these upset Him to the point where He felt compelled to give detailed instructions on how to deal with them. Right now it's the instructions concerning women that have given me reason for concern. Leviticus 15:19 tells us:

And if a woman have an issue and her issue from her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days; and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the evening.

Is God really serious about this? Where the hell are we to put these issuing women apart at for seven days straight? Are we to put them apart together, or does apart mean apart from each other too? Are we supposed to build some sort of internment camps for these women with "issues?" What do we do if they don't go voluntarily? We can't touch them or we too become unclean. Are we to find one woman with an issue who is willing to go, and get her to round up all the others? What difference would it make, since she's already unclean?

Another problem we have is how are families to survive if the women are put apart for seven days at a time? I mean, the women would be able to get along fine in these camps; they may even look on it as a time of rest and relaxation. But what the hell are the rest of us to do? I'm not saying that cooking and cleaning and laundry and such are women's jobs; I'm just saying that, in general, men screw them up royally when they try to do them. So will the Church send out some "clean" women who are void of issues to help any families who are lacking in competence when their women are put apart?

Also, how the hell can I know if a woman has an issue. In all my experiences with women, it's generally not a thing they freely speak about. Never once have I asked a woman how she was, only to have her reply, "Oh, I'm having an issue from my flesh today which is blood." Could this be that they fear being put apart for seven days if it becomes known that they have issues? In that case, how can I know for sure? Should I tell women that I need to know on religious grounds? Should I just avoid the ones who are bitchy? Will I be held unclean if touch an issuing woman if I didn't know she had issues? Is ignorance of issues a valid excuse? Should I just hang around with pregnant girls or really old ladies?

And what about this unclean until the evening thing for whosoever toucheth her. What the hell does that mean? If I touch a woman with an issue early in the morning, I'll be unclean all day long, but if I touch her at around 5:30 in the afternoon, my uncleanliness will only last 30 minutes or so? Does the uncleanliness magically go away when the evening comes? Can I cross time zones going east to become clean even faster? Does anyone whosever toucheth a woman with an issue have to be set apart until evening as well? Do we need male and female camps of internment, or can families stay together in their uncleanliness?

God doesn't stop with just one verse when it comes to women with issues. He just keeps going, through verses 20 - 23:

20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean; every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the evening.

22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the evening.

23 And if it be on her bed or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the evening.


God seems to have got a little verbose here. So what's He trying to say? That not only is a woman with issues unclean, but everything she touches is unclean too? Is it like an anti-Midas Touch thing? How can I know what an issuing woman has touched if I go out into public? Is there a surefire way to know where such a woman has sat? Maybe back in the days of Moses, there was visible evidence if a woman with issues had sat on a bus seat, but what can I do in modern times? In these days of extra absorbency and multiple barrier protection, it's pretty much a secret. Did Satan create such feminine hygiene products just to thwart the will of God?

What about this washing clothes and bathing in water thing? God says that I'll be unclean until the magical onset of evening anyway, so what's the use? On the other hand, what if I use holy water?

And then, verse 24 says:

And if any man lie with her at all and her monthly discharge be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

So now what? If a man wakes up and his wife is having issues, he's just screwed for seven days? Does this mean that not even evening can help him? Will he be put apart too for a week? Who'll take care of the kids? Do workplaces offer paid "uncleanliness" leave? Will it count against my vacation time? Why the hell does God even care about this?