Death to the Infidels

Once again in Deuteronomy we see that God's hung up on the other gods. Chapter 13, verses 12 - 16 go like this:

12 If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities, which the Lord thy God hath given thee to dwell there, saying,

13 Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known;

14 Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you;

15 Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.

16 And thou shalt gather all the spoil of it into the midst of the street thereof, and shalt burn with fire the city, and all the spoil thereof every whit, for the Lord thy God: and it shall be an heap for ever; it shall not be built again.

God really needs to work on this insecurity thing He has. Like, it's really messing up His relationships. It's not healthy to be so jealous. Maybe He just set too high standards for Himself. I mean, being an omnipotent being has got to be hard.

I think its His insecurities that bring on the attacks of jealousy, which is really a cry for more love. Sure it's within His rights to ask for more affection. After all, He's God! But when self-doubts arise, the indirect way that jealousy demands attention is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is simply inappropriate. Jealousy is a fast way to drive away the very people He may fear losing.

Maybe His health insurance doesn't cover psychiatric help. Now about this directive of His - wouldn't God be more suited to know if someone in some other city is worshiping other gods? I mean, He's omnipotent, right? Can't He just read everybody's thoughts and then rain down some fire and brimstone on the infidels? Why is He relying on us to hear some rumors?

So am I obligated to hang around in bars and supermarkets listening for such rumors? And what if I hear a rumor and go to a city. What gods is God worried about here? Is it only the ones which we have not known which upset Him? What about the ones we do know, like Hercules, who had his own Saturday morning cartoon, or Trident, who was the Little Mermaid's dad in the Disney cartoon? Are they cool?

How lengthy an investigation must I conduct? Do I need character witnesses for my informants? Should I be slipping some twenties on the side to get the facts? And if it's true that they are serving other gods that they have not known, can I try to convert them? Or must I smite them even if they repent? Can God just not live with someone who's been unfaithful? Is it because the trust is gone?

What happens if during my interrogations I learn that the worshipers are Jews or Muslims? Can I breath a sigh of relief, since we all worship the same God? Can we peacefully coexist? Or am I morally obligated to smite them too since they don't worship Jesus as God's Son? And if so, when they hear rumors that Christianity is being preached in my town, are they obligated to smite us as well? Is the worship of Jesus the same as serving another god? What happens if the people from my town go forth to smite them at the same time they go forth to smite us? We'd all look pretty silly arriving in the other's town with no one there to smite. To eliminate that embarrassing situation, perhaps we should all just stay home and smite ourselves.

But if I must go and smite them, must I do it only by the edge of the sword? Can I use the tip of the sword if that would be more appropriate? Must I smite the whole town if only a few have been worshipping like crazed infidels? And what kinds of cattle must I smite while I'm there. Is God talking only about the bovines? Maybe he wants any animal that chews the cud to get the edge of the sword. Does this include rabbits too? And how can I destroy the town utterly if I'm only armed with a sword? Is it permissible to bring along a couple of M1 tanks?

After everyone has been smitten, what kind of spoils must gather in the street and burn with fire? Is God only referring to valuables and objects of culture and taste, or does He want everything piled up? What about the tacky furniture or the cheap crap from the likes of Walmart? Am I allowed to keep some of these spoils to offset my traveling expenses?

How shall I ensure that the city will remain a heap forever without ever being rebuilt? Should I make a tire fire? Maybe ignite a coal mine beneath the town? What if years from the date of utter destruction, someone tries to rebuild it? Should I smite them as well? Should I keep guards posted? Am I allowed to use nuclear weapons to discourage the rebuilding?

And who the hell is Belial?

Shit Happens (Keeping Army Camps Holy) aka No Shit

Deuteronomy 23:9 tells what God expects to be done in Army Camps:

When the host goeth forth against thine enemies, then keep thee from every wicked thing.

Have our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan been keeping themselves from every wicked thing? Is war itself not a wicked thing? Are our politicians who visit our Army camps not wicked things? What wicked things has God ordained our soldiers to keep themselves from? How can they keep from every wicked thing?

Deuteronomy 23:12 says:

Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad:

So what the hell does this mean? What is meant by "whither thou shalt go forth abroad?" Couldn't God have been a little more clear here? Is He trying to say, if you need to take a dump, don't do it in the camp? Is defecation the wicked thing that soldiers must keep from? Are military toilets wicked? Should they be shunned? Is crap only wicked when it's in the camp? What if the Army camp is within a city? Can the soldiers storm the civilian houses to use their toilets? Should we have port-o-potties set out outside the fences?

Deuteronomy 23:13 tells us:

And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee.

Why can't the soldiers use toilets? What the hell is a paddle upon a weapon? Is this something to spank children with or to propel a canoe? What kind of weapons did they use back in Deuteronomy's day? Are our soldiers to use this paddle on their weapon to dig therewith? Is this God's way of saying "shovel?" Can they use their bayonets in an emergency?

How deep must they dig therewith? What is to be done if a soldier digs therewith and comes upon that which has cometh from another soldier? Can he deposit that which cometh from him on top of that which has already cometh from another? Or must he shit where no man hath shit before? Should the soldiers mark the spots where they have dug therewith and covered that which cometh from them? Can more than one soldier use the same hole at the same time for that which cometh from them? What must the soldiers do if they're under attack and cannot leave the camp to dig therewith? Must they hold it? Are special provisions made for tose with the runs? Should they be banished or stoned? If one has an accident and that which cometh comes where it should cometh not, should the others smite him?

Deuteronomy 23:14 explains why this is important:

For the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.


Why is God walking in the midst of our Army camps? Will He be in uniform? Should we give Him a 21-gun salute? Will He offer to take command? Why can He not just smite our enemies for us instead of worrying about where we crap? Is feces the only unclean thing God's worried about seeing? Is He squeamish? Will He look in the toilets? Will He do the white glove test?

What happens if God walks in the midst of my camp and the camp of my enemy too? Will He choose the cleaner of the two? What if they're both clean? Will He wait until somebody shits on the ground to choose a winner? Should I try to scare the shit out of my enemies to secure a divine victory?

A God Among Gods (The First Commandment)

Back when Moses was wandering around Sinai, God decided that we need ten commandments to live by. The first one, found in Exodus 20:3 and Deuteronomy 5:7, goes like this:

Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

Now, just what the hell does God mean by "other gods"? What other gods? Isn't He the only one? Isn't He the one that our money says we trust in?

So if He's the only one, what's He so worried about? How could anyone have any other gods before Him if there are no other gods? Shouldn't God just have written something like, "Worship Me because I'm the One and Only!" Better yet, why did He write this commandment at all? If He's the only god, then there couldn't be any other gods to put first, could there? Did He just want to make an even ten commandments? Did he have a blank space on His stone tablet that He needed to fill in? Couldn't He have used this space for some other good Christian commandment, like "Thou shalt tithe" or something?


But since this is The First Commandment, isn't it the most important to God? Isn't this the first one He was thinking of when he got out His stone tablet and chisel? So if He wrote it that way, are there really other gods out there?

Well, Exodus 12:12 says:

. . . . and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the Lord

And Exodus 15:11 says:

Who is like unto thee, O Lord, among the gods?

And then Exodus 18:11 says:

Now I know that the Lord is greater than all gods

Does all this mean that there are other gods? God is not alone up there? So if the Bible is telling us that there are other gods, how are we supposed to act towards them?

Exodus goes on to say that Moses threw a fit when he came back with The Commandments, and smashed the tablets. Well God wasn't going to do all that writing over again. He figured that since Moses smashed them, he could write them over himself. Maybe then he'd appreciate the hard work that goes into writing on stone tablets. So God just dictated. In Exodus 34:14 He tells Moses to write:

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

So in His dictation God cleared up one small grey area: no worshiping other gods. But are we supposed to just ignore them entirely? Is God on friendly terms with these other gods? Are we being rude to God's friends? Are we embarrassing God in front of some other deities? Should we at least be doing a little venerating of the others? If so, is there a hierarchy of deities? We know that God wants to be at the top, but who's second? And third? And fourth? What if we get the rest out of order? Will the whole gang be pissed?

And is God's name really "Jealous?" Should our money say, "In Jealous We Trust?"

How to deal with a stubborn son

My wife and I have been having a bit of trouble with our 6 year old son recently. The boy is just at that stage of life where he's stubborn and rebellious. I wondered how the blessed people would handle such a kid, and so I turned to the Bible for help. My search led me to Deuteronomy 21:18-21.

Verses 18 & 19 go like this:

18. If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

19. Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place.

Well so far, this passage seemed to be leading me in the right direction. We had certainly chastened him, depriving him of his gameboy and i-pod for hours at a time, yet the kid had just refused to hearken to us. And so, I figured that we'd have no choice but to bring the boy out unto the elders of the city. This presented a problem though, since I didn't know who the elders were. However, a quick look in the yellow pages cleared that up, for it advised me to look under "Nursing Homes." So, preparing to take the boy to the local nursing home, I read further to see what to do next.

Verses 20 goes as follows:

20. And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

So here is where my questions begin to arise. Do I have to say unto all of the elders at once, or can I just select one or two who don't seem too senile. Also, must I use the words exactly as stated above? I mean, is this like some sort of magical incantation? And what do I do if the boy isn't really a glutton or a drunkard? Sure, he overeats from time to time, but I wouldn't say that it's to the point of gluttony. And the drunkard point would really be a lie. I do seem to have a vague memory of giving the kid a little wine to, let's say, help him get to sleep, but I hardly think that counts as being a drunkard.

Verse 21 tells the punishment required after bringing the boy to the elderly. It states:

21. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

This part may give me some problems with my wife. So, can I use that drunkard part in verse 20 as a loophole? If he doesn't fit all of the qualifications, can we at least wait until he starts drinking on his own. If not, do all the men of the city have to stone the boy with stones? Can any be excused on grounds of illness of prior obligations. If not, it may be a little hard to get all the men together at one time. How long can such a stoning with stones be put off? What do people in large cities like New York do for such all-male stoning activities. Also, where can I find information concerning the specifications of the stones? Is this knowledge of the elders?

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