Sunday, July 26, 2009

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

It appears that God is really obsessed with cleanliness. In the Book of Leviticus He calls a meeting with Moses and Aaron and just goes on and on about it. I really give credit to poor old Leviticus for writing it all down. Anyway, in Chapter 15 God goes into this great spiel about bodily discharges. Apparently these upset Him to the point where He felt compelled to give detailed instructions on how to deal with them. Right now it's the instructions concerning women that have given me reason for concern. Leviticus 15:19 tells us:

And if a woman have an issue and her issue from her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days; and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the evening.

Is God really serious about this? Where the hell are we to put these issuing women apart at for seven days straight? Are we to put them apart together, or does apart mean apart from each other too? Are we supposed to build some sort of internment camps for these women with "issues?" What do we do if they don't go voluntarily? We can't touch them or we too become unclean. Are we to find one woman with an issue who is willing to go, and get her to round up all the others? What difference would it make, since she's already unclean?

Another problem we have is how are families to survive if the women are put apart for seven days at a time? I mean, the women would be able to get along fine in these camps; they may even look on it as a time of rest and relaxation. But what the hell are the rest of us to do? I'm not saying that cooking and cleaning and laundry and such are women's jobs; I'm just saying that, in general, men screw them up royally when they try to do them. So will the Church send out some "clean" women who are void of issues to help any families who are lacking in competence when their women are put apart?

Also, how the hell can I know if a woman has an issue. In all my experiences with women, it's generally not a thing they freely speak about. Never once have I asked a woman how she was, only to have her reply, "Oh, I'm having an issue from my flesh today which is blood." Could this be that they fear being put apart for seven days if it becomes known that they have issues? In that case, how can I know for sure? Should I tell women that I need to know on religious grounds? Should I just avoid the ones who are bitchy? Will I be held unclean if touch an issuing woman if I didn't know she had issues? Is ignorance of issues a valid excuse? Should I just hang around with pregnant girls or really old ladies?

And what about this unclean until the evening thing for whosoever toucheth her. What the hell does that mean? If I touch a woman with an issue early in the morning, I'll be unclean all day long, but if I touch her at around 5:30 in the afternoon, my uncleanliness will only last 30 minutes or so? Does the uncleanliness magically go away when the evening comes? Can I cross time zones going east to become clean even faster? Does anyone whosever toucheth a woman with an issue have to be set apart until evening as well? Do we need male and female camps of internment, or can families stay together in their uncleanliness?

God doesn't stop with just one verse when it comes to women with issues. He just keeps going, through verses 20 - 23:

20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean; every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the evening.

22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the evening.

23 And if it be on her bed or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the evening.

God seems to have got a little verbose here. So what's He trying to say? That not only is a woman with issues unclean, but everything she touches is unclean too? Is it like an anti-Midas Touch thing? How can I know what an issuing woman has touched if I go out into public? Is there a surefire way to know where such a woman has sat? Maybe back in the days of Moses, there was visible evidence if a woman with issues had sat on a bus seat, but what can I do in modern times? In these days of extra absorbency and multiple barrier protection, it's pretty much a secret. Did Satan create such feminine hygiene products just to thwart the will of God?

What about this washing clothes and bathing in water thing? God says that I'll be unclean until the magical onset of evening anyway, so what's the use? On the other hand, what if I use holy water?

And then, verse 24 says:

And if any man lie with her at all and her monthly discharge be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

So now what? If a man wakes up and his wife is having issues, he's just screwed for seven days? Does this mean that not even evening can help him? Will he be put apart too for a week? Who'll take care of the kids? Do workplaces offer paid "uncleanliness" leave? Will it count against my vacation time? Why the hell does God even care about this?

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