Off To See The Wizard

In Leviticus 19:31 God says to us:

Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God.

Look how God ended this. He wants us to know that this was written by Him, and not just some simple scribe, so it must be pretty important, huh?

So what the hell constitutes a familiar spirit? Am I allowed to regard those with unfamiliar spirits? Should I call the liquor store and ask what brands they have before I go? Must I not look the clerk in the eye if the only spirits he has are those that I do know? And what about people with team spirit? Should I shun those who show spirit for the teams with which I'm familiar? And what the hell was Bullwinkle talking about, with his "Eenie Meenie Chili Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!"? Was Bullwinkle defiling me since my childhood? Is this why The Rocky Show had to be cancelled?

And why is God so down on wizards, and why does He think we'll be defiled if we seek after them? I mean, if God's worried about us sullying our reputation, why not tell us not to seek out prostitutes? Or used-car salesmen? Or lawyers? Or politicians? What's God got against the wizards? Is it because they look like Him, with their long white hair and the beards? Or is it because they can do magic, and God wants to be the only one to bring magic to our lives? But then who gave them the magic, if not God? Is God trying to say that there are other forces out there besides Him?

So how the hell am I supposed to act to keep on good terms with God? Do wizards in any form cause me to be defiled? Must I have my computer exorcised to rid it of its Custom Installation Wizard and Recovery Wizard, and any other defiling wizard that may be hiding within? Have I condemned my children to eternal damnation by purchasing for them a Math Wizard? Why was I not warned about this back in April when I consulted the IRS's Tax Wizard? How can I become undefiled now?

And what are we to do with the constant bombardment of wizards by the entertainment industry? Why must these defiling wizards always be portrayed in a positive light? Are we in danger of the fires of hell if we visit Disney World? Did Mickey Mouse not defile himself years ago as The Sorcerer's Apprentice? Was Gandalf the reason that there were no churches in The Shire? Can no one save the poor, defiled Hobbits? And why were Harry Potter's aunt and uncle made out to be the bad guys? Were they not trying to save the young boy's soul in their attempt to keep him from the evil Hogwarts? Wasn't Hagrid the evil one, for leading the boy to Dumbledore? And why was the Witch of the North called "Good"? Did she and those horrid little Munchkins not send the innocent Dorothy on the road to the defiling Wizard of Oz? Should not the Witch of the West be known as the good one? Was she not protecting Dorothy by trying to keep her away from Oz?

But can a witch be good? In Exodus 22:18 God says:

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

So God's just down on anybody else with magic, huh? Is this why Bewitched and Sabrina the Teenage Witch were taken off the air? What about Jeannie? Are genies safe from the wrath of God? Why does Salem, Massachusetts call itself "The Witch City"? Should God not rain down some fire and brimstone up there in New England? Even Sodom and Gomorah didn't have the nerve to call themselves "Witch Cities." Is Salem just mocking God? And must I shun those places that rent out Ditch Witches?

So what the hell am I to do to protect my children? Should we burn all of their books save for the Bible? Should we cancel Hallowe'en? Must we suppress any and all forms of imagination in our children in order to save their soles?