Give the First of Everything

Exodus 22:29 states the following:

Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors: the firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me.

My first question is, must I give the first of all my ripe fruits, or just the first of the whole group of fruits that I buy? If it's just the first of all the fruits, can I buy something cheap like bananas first and give it to God, while keeping all the cherries and grapes for myself? Would God know if I did this? And what about tomatoes? Are they fruits or vegetables?

What about the liquors? Does the same deal apply as with the fruits? Would God be pissed if I gave Him a bottle of Boone's Farm wine and kept the cognac for myself? Is God a social drinker? Should I invite Him over for a beer? If I do, will He bring back some of the liquor that I had to give Him?

And what about this firstborn son thing? How long will God have the kid? Will I still be able to claim the kid on my income tax? Will He have the boy back in time to start school in September? I'm not going to be obligated to pay some sort of child support while God has the kid, am I? If so, this seems a little oppressive, what with having to give up some fruit and liquor too!