A Cut Above (aka Circumcisions by Zipporah - Half Off)

In the beginning of Exodus 3, we find Moses happily married and peacefully leading a flock of sheep on the edge of the desert. One day, while wandering in the desert heat, Moses came upon a rather singular sight, as we are told in Exodus 3:

And the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.

Going over to this burning bush, God introduces Himself, probably because most people wouldn't recognize Him in His burning bush disguise. Then, God tells Moses that He wants the Israelites out of Egypt, ending his statement with these two verses in Exodus 3:9-10:

9 Now therefore, behold, the cry of the children of Israel is come unto me: and I have also seen the oppression wherewith the Egyptians oppress them.

10 Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth my people the children of Israel out of Egypt.

Did Moses not wonder where God was when the Israelites first went to Egypt? Is God not supposed to be all-seeing, meaning into the future as well? Did God not foresee this oppression with which the Egyptians oppressed them? Was He asleep at some point when this first started happening? What was it that finally caused the cry of the children of Israel to come to Him?

Another thing, if God is all-powerful, why did He not go in person to get His people back? Would not the arrival of an omnipotent being be more impressive than the arrival of a shepherd? And besides, is God not everywhere? Why was He not in Egypt?

Well, Moses had some thoughts on this subject too, for in Exodus 3:11 he asks God:

Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?

God apparently wasn't prepared for this, for He attempted to beat around the bush (no pun intended) with a vague answer which comes to us in Exodus 3:12 :

Certainly I will be with thee; and this shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou hast brought forth the people out of Egypt, ye shall serve God upon this mountain

What the hell did that mean? Was God only to be with Moses in though? Could God not come along for the ride? Even for moral support?

Moses kind of knew that expecting logical answers from a burning bush was futile, and so he agreed. Then after some instructions and encouraging words, not to mention learning a few magic trick from God, Moses was ready to get underway. In Exodus 4:20 we read:

And Moses took his wife and his sons, and set them upon an ass, and he returned to the land of Egypt: and Moses took the rod of God in his hand.

So all was going as planned and everyone was happy. Moses's wife, who was called Zipporah was getting a little vacation as well.

Then, for reasons unexplained, God decided to meet Moses at an inn. Perhaps he still had a few magic tricks to teach Moses before he went. Whatever the reason, all hell broke loose in the inn, as we see in Exodus 4:24-26 ;

24 And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him.

25 Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.

26 So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.

So what the hell happened here?! God had chosen Moses as the savior of all the Israeli people in Egypt, and then He tried to kill him just for not having his son circumcised? Had God had too much to drink at that inn? Was this not a bit of an overreaction? Why did God have such an aversion to foreskin? And what was God doing peeking at the baby's private parts anyway? Is this not bordering on perversion?

But even if God disapproved, could He not have had a rational discussion with Moses? Is seeking to kill the guy that you just entrusted with a mission of Biblical Proportions something we would really expect from a Divine Being? Was Moses even sure that this was God? What was God doing hanging out in an inn without the burning bush guise?

And what was Zipporah doing walking around with a sharp stone? Had she foreseen this Divine temper tantrum? Did she have more foresight than God? How did she become so skilled at circumcisions? Was the poor child scarred for life? Did God care? Apparently not, for verse 26 says He let them go. Was He that impressed with Zipporah's emergency circumcision, or did the sight of the foreskin on the floor scare God away? If the latter, is it not good that the Egyptians had not armed themselves with foreskins?

Was Zipporah British? Was her calling Moses twice a "bloody husband," indicative of some British education. Should we not admire her restraint in her not calling him a "bloody idiot?"

And why did God decide that we have to know these minute details anyway?

Off To See The Wizard

In Leviticus 19:31 God says to us:

Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God.

Look how God ended this. He wants us to know that this was written by Him, and not just some simple scribe, so it must be pretty important, huh?

So what the hell constitutes a familiar spirit? Am I allowed to regard those with unfamiliar spirits? Should I call the liquor store and ask what brands they have before I go? Must I not look the clerk in the eye if the only spirits he has are those that I do know? And what about people with team spirit? Should I shun those who show spirit for the teams with which I'm familiar? And what the hell was Bullwinkle talking about, with his "Eenie Meenie Chili Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!"? Was Bullwinkle defiling me since my childhood? Is this why The Rocky Show had to be cancelled?

And why is God so down on wizards, and why does He think we'll be defiled if we seek after them? I mean, if God's worried about us sullying our reputation, why not tell us not to seek out prostitutes? Or used-car salesmen? Or lawyers? Or politicians? What's God got against the wizards? Is it because they look like Him, with their long white hair and the beards? Or is it because they can do magic, and God wants to be the only one to bring magic to our lives? But then who gave them the magic, if not God? Is God trying to say that there are other forces out there besides Him?

So how the hell am I supposed to act to keep on good terms with God? Do wizards in any form cause me to be defiled? Must I have my computer exorcised to rid it of its Custom Installation Wizard and Recovery Wizard, and any other defiling wizard that may be hiding within? Have I condemned my children to eternal damnation by purchasing for them a Math Wizard? Why was I not warned about this back in April when I consulted the IRS's Tax Wizard? How can I become undefiled now?

And what are we to do with the constant bombardment of wizards by the entertainment industry? Why must these defiling wizards always be portrayed in a positive light? Are we in danger of the fires of hell if we visit Disney World? Did Mickey Mouse not defile himself years ago as The Sorcerer's Apprentice? Was Gandalf the reason that there were no churches in The Shire? Can no one save the poor, defiled Hobbits? And why were Harry Potter's aunt and uncle made out to be the bad guys? Were they not trying to save the young boy's soul in their attempt to keep him from the evil Hogwarts? Wasn't Hagrid the evil one, for leading the boy to Dumbledore? And why was the Witch of the North called "Good"? Did she and those horrid little Munchkins not send the innocent Dorothy on the road to the defiling Wizard of Oz? Should not the Witch of the West be known as the good one? Was she not protecting Dorothy by trying to keep her away from Oz?

But can a witch be good? In Exodus 22:18 God says:

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

So God's just down on anybody else with magic, huh? Is this why Bewitched and Sabrina the Teenage Witch were taken off the air? What about Jeannie? Are genies safe from the wrath of God? Why does Salem, Massachusetts call itself "The Witch City"? Should God not rain down some fire and brimstone up there in New England? Even Sodom and Gomorah didn't have the nerve to call themselves "Witch Cities." Is Salem just mocking God? And must I shun those places that rent out Ditch Witches?

So what the hell am I to do to protect my children? Should we burn all of their books save for the Bible? Should we cancel Hallowe'en? Must we suppress any and all forms of imagination in our children in order to save their soles?

A God Among Gods (The First Commandment)

Back when Moses was wandering around Sinai, God decided that we need ten commandments to live by. The first one, found in Exodus 20:3 and Deuteronomy 5:7, goes like this:

Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

Now, just what the hell does God mean by "other gods"? What other gods? Isn't He the only one? Isn't He the one that our money says we trust in?

So if He's the only one, what's He so worried about? How could anyone have any other gods before Him if there are no other gods? Shouldn't God just have written something like, "Worship Me because I'm the One and Only!" Better yet, why did He write this commandment at all? If He's the only god, then there couldn't be any other gods to put first, could there? Did He just want to make an even ten commandments? Did he have a blank space on His stone tablet that He needed to fill in? Couldn't He have used this space for some other good Christian commandment, like "Thou shalt tithe" or something?


But since this is The First Commandment, isn't it the most important to God? Isn't this the first one He was thinking of when he got out His stone tablet and chisel? So if He wrote it that way, are there really other gods out there?

Well, Exodus 12:12 says:

. . . . and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the Lord

And Exodus 15:11 says:

Who is like unto thee, O Lord, among the gods?

And then Exodus 18:11 says:

Now I know that the Lord is greater than all gods

Does all this mean that there are other gods? God is not alone up there? So if the Bible is telling us that there are other gods, how are we supposed to act towards them?

Exodus goes on to say that Moses threw a fit when he came back with The Commandments, and smashed the tablets. Well God wasn't going to do all that writing over again. He figured that since Moses smashed them, he could write them over himself. Maybe then he'd appreciate the hard work that goes into writing on stone tablets. So God just dictated. In Exodus 34:14 He tells Moses to write:

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

So in His dictation God cleared up one small grey area: no worshiping other gods. But are we supposed to just ignore them entirely? Is God on friendly terms with these other gods? Are we being rude to God's friends? Are we embarrassing God in front of some other deities? Should we at least be doing a little venerating of the others? If so, is there a hierarchy of deities? We know that God wants to be at the top, but who's second? And third? And fourth? What if we get the rest out of order? Will the whole gang be pissed?

And is God's name really "Jealous?" Should our money say, "In Jealous We Trust?"

Death to the Workers

Exodus 35:2 tells us:

Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the Lord: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death.

Well it's nice that God came up with some labor laws for us, but which day is considered the sabbath? If the first day of the week is Sunday, then wouldn't the sabbath be Saturday? But didn't The Church Council of Laodicea change it to Sunday, around the year 364? Did those guys get God's permission to change it? What if they just took it on their own without consulting God? Have we been resting on the wrong day? Should I not work two days just to be safe? This is a serious issue that must be cleared up! God's penalty for violation is death!

And what about God's death penalty? There doesn't seem to be any flexibility here. What about medical professionals or law enforcement officers? Are they all living in sin, just tempting the Angel of Death? What if my company schedules me for the weekend? Can I refuse on religious grounds? What if I'm injured on the sabbath? Must I wait for the following day to seek treatment? If a doctor treats me on the sabbath, will I be held culpable for going to him? Will I be put to death for leading another into sinful sabbath working?

And whose responsibility is it to bring death to those heathens who doeth work therin, on the sabbath? There has been plenty of work going on 24/7, yet there has been no global flooding nor raining down of fire and brimstone to stop it. Am I to take this to mean that upholding this righteous penalty is the responsibility of us, the good Christians? Is there a Christian hit-man that I can call for all religious smiting, or am I morally obligated to do it myself? If so, by what method should the wrongdoers be smitten? Should I call together the village elders for a good old-fashioned Biblical community stoning? Or can I use a 21st century method of execution of my own choosing? Would smiting the wrongdoers on a sabbath be considered work? If so, must I wait until the following day for all smiting activities?

Hebrew Slaves - Leasing verses Buying

For quite some time my wife has been saying that we need a maid, but I've always balked at the price. Today however, I may have found the answer to our problems in Exodus 21. The second verse goes as follows:

If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing.


Now I'm assuming that the cost of a slave is cheaper than that of a housekeeping service. The first question that I have though, is where are Hebrew slaves for sale to be found? I'm sure that in ancient Babylon they were quite plentiful, but here in 21st Century America, they're not easy to come by. I tried looking in the Yellow Pages, on Craigslist and Ebay, but came up with nothing. Also, does God allow only Hebrews to be owned as slaves? Is that the meaning of the "Chosen People?" If so, can they perform manual labor, or can I only get them to do things like bookkeeping or give legal advice?

Next, does the word of God override The Thirteenth Amendment? Section 1 of the amendment says:

Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Does that mean I can only own Jewish convicts? Do I have to uphold the conditions of their punishment after I pay for them? In other words, do God and the US Government expect me to run a prison in my home? Will the government provide money for their upkeep?

What about this part that says he goes free after seven years? Am I buying the slave or leasing him? If it's a seven year lease, do I get the option to trade him in for another slave at the end of the term? Can I buy him outright after seven years? Will he remain under warranty during the whole time? Who will provide his health insurance? Is that my responsibility or God's?

If I understand correctly, the next two verses explain what happens if I just want to turn him in after the term. Verses 3 and 4 are as follows:

3. If he came in by himself, he shall go out by himself: if he were married, then his wife shall go out with him.

4. If his master have given him a wife, and she have born him sons or daughters; the wife and her children shall be her master's, and he shall go out by himself.

So this means that I have to turn him in in the same condition as I bought him. If I bought him single I return him single, and if I bought him married I return him married. And it goes on to say that I get to keep any improvements that I add during his slavery. If I get him a wife, then at the end I get to keep her and any kids she has.

Now what if he comes with a wife? Do I get to use her as well? Is it like a package deal? Does she have any mileage restrictions? And what if she expires? Will I be responsible for any replacement cost? Can I purchase additional insurance with lower deductibles in case the wife gets damaged?


And what if I decide to purchase an accessory to go with my slave, like a wife? Does she have to be Hebrew as well, or can I just purchase any woman so long as she's to go with a Hebrew slave? God doesn't specify? Do I have to buy a convicted woman to stay within compliance of the Amendment Thirteen? Can I claim these slaves on my taxes? Where are the boxes for slave deductions on the 1040A? What happens at the end of my lease if I don't want to keep the wife and kids? Can I turn them in with the slave? Can I split them up or do they have to stay together as a set? Will my refund be increased if I return some or all of them? Is there some sort of Blue Book that tells the going value for slave wives and kids? How can I be sure the slave leasers (or sellers) won't cheat me?

Verses five and six tell what happens if he wants to stay with his family:

5. And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free:

6. Then his master shall bring him unto the judges; he shall also bring him to the door, or unto the door post; and his master shall bore his ear through with an aul; and he shall serve him for ever.

Will he be trained in the proper words to say? Will he say them in English or Hebrew? What if he loves me but not his wife? Can he alter the words to this incantation? Do I have the power to override if he utters these words? Can I trade him in anyway? And if I do have to keep him, what the hell is an aul and where do I get one? Will my slave ownership kit come with one? Whatever the hell it is, how deep do I have to bore his ear with it? Won't it decrease his value if I screw up his hearing by boring his ear? I guess it won't matter since I'll be stuck with him forever, but I'd still like him to have some equity in case I want to will him to my kids or grandkids.

To Covet Or Not To Covet

In Exodus 20:3-17, God gave us the Ten Commandments to follow. Right now, it's the last of these which is bothering me. Exodus 20:17 goes like this:

You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.

Now my question here is about the part concerning the coveting of my neighbor's wife. This Commandment seems to have a lot of grey areas here. I mean, what exactly did God mean by "covet" in regard to women. It really isn't a word that most of us have in our everyday vocabulary. Has anyone ever heard a man tell a woman, "I covet you with all my heart"? How about, "I covet you to be my wife"? Or has anyone ever said things like, "Man, I could covet her all night long," or "What that girl needs is a good coveting"?


The dictionary says that "to covet" means to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others. So coveting is just desiring in a rather excessive way. Well then, what if I just desire my neighbor's wife but keep it within respectable limits? What would God consider a satisfactory level of coveting to be? Does coveting only refer to desiring for the purpose of sexual relations? What if I covet her to come over and cook me dinner or clean my house? Is that a wrongful desire in the eyes of God? Finally, if it's only the act of coveting that displeases God, do I have the right to rape my neighbor's wife as long as I don't really covet her in the process

Another thing that bothers me here is, who is my neighbor's wife? Does it have to be a legal marriage for her to be considered a wife? What if they're just living together? Do common-law spouses count where coveting is concerned? How about girlfriends? Are they open targets for unbridled coveting?

And which wife are we talking about here? I mean, the Commandment refers to only one wife, stating "neighbor's wife" as opposed to "neighbors' wives." But which wife of which neighbor doesn't God want me coveting? No one ever notified me of who the forbidden woman was when I first reached the tender age of my first covet. Does this mean that I get to choose the one that I shan't covet?

If the Commandment does refer to neighbors in the plural, then how far does the term "neighbor" extend? What if there's a wife a few blocks over who's worthy of a covet or two? Is she acceptable to covet since she's out of the immediate neighbor range. Or does it include the whole neighborhood? Or neighboring villages? Neighboring states? Neighboring countries?

Why does this Commandment have to be so vague? How can we live pious lives if we don't know where the zone of forbidden coveting ends? I need to know at what point I can begin coveting wives with a clear conscious!

Give the First of Everything

Exodus 22:29 states the following:

Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors: the firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me.

My first question is, must I give the first of all my ripe fruits, or just the first of the whole group of fruits that I buy? If it's just the first of all the fruits, can I buy something cheap like bananas first and give it to God, while keeping all the cherries and grapes for myself? Would God know if I did this? And what about tomatoes? Are they fruits or vegetables?

What about the liquors? Does the same deal apply as with the fruits? Would God be pissed if I gave Him a bottle of Boone's Farm wine and kept the cognac for myself? Is God a social drinker? Should I invite Him over for a beer? If I do, will He bring back some of the liquor that I had to give Him?

And what about this firstborn son thing? How long will God have the kid? Will I still be able to claim the kid on my income tax? Will He have the boy back in time to start school in September? I'm not going to be obligated to pay some sort of child support while God has the kid, am I? If so, this seems a little oppressive, what with having to give up some fruit and liquor too!